The 2010 Joepinion Golden Monster Truck AwardsJOE

Some things cannot be graded.  No amount of A’s can give it justice.  These works and accomplishments exist outside and above all judgment.   Originally, there was no place on my blog for them, for their awesomeness is beyond description.

I have created a domain for those things here, in what I call The Joepinion Hall of Fame.  Each inductee will receive a holiday in its honor and a certificate of authenticity to certify their awesomeness from now until eternity.  Along with this certificate will be given a great Golden Monster Truck, given as a symbol of awesomeness, to be forever displayed and forever envied.

The Darkness (for work contributions to the Music Video genre)

When making a list of all things awesome, you should refer to these music videos, because they basically go right through 1 through 50.  Space travel?  Check.  Giant space squid?  Check.  Amazonian Women?  Check.  Guitars that double as firearms?  Double check.  The Darkness made it happen with this trio of videos.

I could literally watch these all day, on a loop, with my eyes held open Clockwork Orange style, and I’d still feel the same way at the end of the day.



Young Guns 2 (for their work in the Movie Sequel genre)

When judging a sequel, one must consider three things.  First, the quality of the film as an independent product away from the original.  Second, the quality of the film it builds on.  And third, what the film adds to the first in terms of story and character development.

The original Young Guns movie was damn near garbage. Sure there are a couple of good parts if you’re in the right mood, but it’s basically crap.  Young Guns 2 takes that story and those characters, and makes movie gold.  If Young Guns was cake, Young Guns 2 is a tiger.  They’re not even in the same league.  It’s impossible to compare.

Everything was ramped up in this film.  The writing was better.  Billy the Kid was way more of a badass.  The soundtrack was written by Bon Jovi.  And there’s a naked chick who rides a horse.

We’ve all had to clean up other people’s messes before, but Young Guns 2 set the standard.  They didn’t even try to change the title.  That happens a lot.  Like, Pitch Black didn’t do that well in theatres, so they called the next one something totally different, The Chronicles of Riddick.  Young Guns 2 manned up, grabbed the franchise, and turned it into something presentable.



The Running Man (for their use of Arnold Schwarzenegger)

The best thing about the Running Man is that we’re only 7 years away from this ACTUALLY HAPPENING!

Say what you will about how he’s ruined California , and say what you will about his performance in Kindergarten Cop, we all know where Arnold belongs, and that’s on screen killing people and spouting out catchy one-liners.  I swear to god, this movie has more one-liners than any movie in recorded history.  Here are some clips from youtube:

He plays a good robot, I’ll admit.  But it’s cheating to give a big guy with an accent a role like that.  It’s like saying “I know you can’t act, so here, you’re a robot.”  The Running Man stepped up to the plate and made sure they put Schwarzenegger on his proper pedestal, killing people and laughing about it.  Oh, and saving the world, kinda.



Lewis Lee (for his work in the Theme Song genre)

This is the man who wrote both the theme to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and Return of the Killer Tomatoes.  I’m not even going to review it, because I don’t have to.

Attack of the killer tomatoes!
Attack of the killer tomatoes!
They’ll beat you, bash you,
Squish you, mash you
Chew you up for brunch
And finish you off for dinner or lunch!

They’re marching down the halls
They’re crawling up the walls
They’re gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy
Rotten to the core
They’re standing outside your door!

Remember Herman Farbage
While taking out his garbage
He turned around and he did see
Tomatoes hiding in his tree
Now he’s just a memory!

I know I’m going to miss her
A tomato ate my sister
Sacramento fell today
They’re marching into San Jose
Tomatoes are on their way!

The mayor is on vacation
The governor’s fled the nation
The police have gone on strike today
The National Guard has run away
Tomatoes will have their day!

Attack of the killer tomatoes!
Attack of the killer tomatoes!
They’ll beat you, bash you,
Squish you, mash you
Chew you up for brunch
And finish you off for dinner or lunch
Lunch, lunch
Dinner or lunch, lunch, lunch
Dinner or luuuuuunch

In addition, he was one of the writers, and the director of both films.