Archive for Steph’s Picks

Devil

Truly, a terrifying movie experience.  Mostly because you think it'll never end.I had promised myself I would never watch another M. Night Samalamadingdong movie after I endured The Village.  But Steph’s persistance > my integrity, so a few nights ago I sat down and watched Devil with her.

 

In one word, the movie was garbage.  In two words, it was the worst, and in 17 syllables it was

A big waste of time.

It seemed like it was written

by rabid monkeys

one thousand monkeys writing for one thousand years on one thousand typewriters may be able to write Shakespeare, but how much time would one million M. Night's need? The world may never know.

Why do I hate M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s movies so much?  Because they all rely on a plot twist.  Most his movies start off strong, and then the plot thickens and gets really boring, then the climax happens and it’s usually really predictable and lame.  If the movie ended at this point, people would leave the theater, take a cab right to his front door and drop a warm duce on his doormat.  But his movies never end here, probably because he knows releasing a movie that bad would be borderline felony assault, so he throws in some weird twist.

The real twist is, he's not actually a director. He's just trying to see how much money he can get paid to rape out your eyeballs.

The twist always confuses the viewers enough to make everyone go home and have to think about it for about 24 hours.  By the time people figure out that the twist made no sense it’s too late to vandalize M. Night property, so most people like myself just try to warn everyone they can that his movies are trash.

Look at Signs.  I liked it until I thought about it a little bit.  Aliens come to attack Earth because…why?  Earth is two thirds water, and these Aliens melt like the Wicked Witch in water…so…why are they here?  Why did that girl say “swing away”?  Did she know about these Aliens?  How?  Who the hell left that glass of water sitting there?  Why didn’t everyone just live under the sea?  Did no one else see the silver lining here?

Island beats, hot girls in bikinis, all you can eat shellfish...it's like spring break in Cancun 24/7!

But I digress.  We’re talking about Devil.  If you’re going to see this movie, don’t.  You’re going to hate yourself if you do.  But if you still want to see it, stop reading.  I’m about to talk about this movie a lot and I don’t really care about what I give away.  So, SPOILER ALERT.

SPOILER ALERT

Ok, now that the idiots are gone: The old lady was the obvious devil.  And if you thought she was dead and so she couldn’t be the devil, remember what Kevin Spacey said about the devil in the Usual Suspects?

So, ok, the annoying old lady is the devil.  There are other annoying people, too.  Basically, the entire plot involves a bunch of annoying people stuck in an elevator for a little over an hour and a bunch of one dimensional characters trying to get him out.  In case you’re thinking, “Joe hates this guy’s movies and came into this with a bad attitude.  There’s no way the movie was THAT bad,” watch this:

I’m not your bro.

The movie ends up being really religious.  It really seemed like something I’d see on one of those Christian stations.  There was one Hispanic guy trying to tell everyone and warn them that it was the Devil, and no one would listen.  Then at the end one guy repents and is saved.  Then this other guy forgives him for his sins.  A lot of M. Night movies are like that if you look under the surface, but this movie fell just short of inviting you to a play at your local New Life Center.

In the end, the true devil is M. Night Shamalamadingdong.  And Steph, for making me watch it.  The movies get’s an F, although there were a few laugh, as the movie was so bad.  It’s like watching 2 girls 1 cup.  People laugh all the time, but only because there isn’t anything the human body is really trained to do in a moment of pure disgust.

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