Archive for Misc.

Oscar Winners: Reactions (based solely on their trailers and word of mouth since I didn’t see any of them)

So the Oscars were a few days ago, and I honestly don’t care, but a lot of people do.  Seriously, with the exception of Inception and Toy Story 3 I haven’t seen any of the movies that were nominated.  So let’s react based on word of mouth!

"Who am I wearing?...I think her name was 'It'..."

Oh, first of all, nothing makes me cringe more than the question “Who are you wearing?”  Just when I start to understand people’s fascination with what other people are wearing and who designed them, I snap back like a rubber band into reality.  Fashion is something I will never comprehend and something I’ll never believe in.  I apologize to all those ladies out there…and my friend Max.  He’s fancy.

The King’s Speech won best picture and that guy won Best Actor, too.  First of all, it’s awesome that Toy Story was in consideration for the best picture Oscar and it’s really weird that Inception was in there.  I saw Inception; it was confusing.  I’m usually really good at following story lines and stuff, and I think they told the story as well as it could be told, but it was still really confusing and really weird.  I honestly believe people liked it for a similar reason people like 201o A Space Odyssey.  They didn’t get it so just went with the reviews written by people who said they did.  No one did, though, and so here we are.

Anyway, the King’s Speech looks good.  I’ll see it on DVD when it comes out.  I like that the stuttering king has to kind of compete with Hitler in a way, but I do wonder why they really needed him to speak well.  I mean, during WW2, wasn’t Winston Churchill kind of the voice of the people for Great Brittan? He was only one of the best orators in the history of the world.  So…probably not a big deal then?

"No raspy-whispering? Uh...can I drop a chainsaw on someone?...do you know who I am?"

Christian Bale won best supporting actor for a role that really tested his ability as an actor.  As a drug addicted brother to a boxer from New England, it was impossible for him to justify his Terminator/Batman voice, but he pulled through.  Oh, GOOOOOOOD for him, I say.  I’m a little upset that whoever his date was didn’t slip him some speed and punch him in the face so his acceptance speech could be as golden as his rant against some tech on set.  Some guy walks on through his shot and we get a great impersonation of the Winnebago Man.  He wins an Oscar and we get the word “hell” one time and a pretty sweet beard.  It could have been better.

Natalie Portman pulled through with the Oscar for best Acress in a Leading Role.  But honestly, I think the person who really needs an award is Mary Vernieu.  Who is Mary Vernieu?  She is the casting director who brought us what I hear is one of the best girl on girl sex scenes ever.  I heard it was so good that Mila Kunis’ father walked out of the premier.  Probably because he had a boner (awkward!)

I'll take FTW for 800, Alex.

The only other thing I really want to talk about is that Alice in Wonderland won an Oscar.  I don’t care what it was for, it pisses me off something fierce.  The movie was so horrible, I don’t even know where to start with why this is such a travesty. The Oscars really did ruin their own credibility with this one.   But that’s Hollywood for you.  Always their own worst enemy.  Unless you’re Charlie Sheen.  Then you’re your own best EVERYTHING! The only thing he’s addicted to is “Winning”…and he has super powers.

Animals that Play Sports

So, since I just got my wisdom teeth pulled and since I have all this free time, I’ve decided to find some of the best videos of animals playing sports.  I found seven, and I’m going to put them in order of “Who Cares?” to “OMFGWTF?!”

7. “Dogs Playing Tether Ball!”

Grade: F

Seriously, the person who named this video was too excited.  Nothing about this warrants an exclamation point.  These dogs are only doing what they would normally do if they saw a ball.  You can’t call this playing sports.  You just can’t.

6. Funny Horse: Rowan playing soccer with the big purple ball

Grade: F

First of all, how is this soccer.  And second, HANDBALL!  YELLOW CARD!  Seriously, I typed in “horses playing soccer” and this was the best I could find.  You’d think that with all their power and ability to be trained and enslaved, someone would be able to get a good game of futbol going on.

5. AMAZING BASKETBALL BIRDS

Grade: C-

“Cant Touch This” is right.  Where the hell is the D?  Come on, people!  If you’re going to train your animals to do something and then exploit them on youtube, can you at least  make sure we’re not going to be subject to a game of Carmelo Anthony vs Carmelo Anthony?   More importantly, they’re birds.  Why aren’t they getting any air?

Oh, also, TRAVELING!

4.  Skateboarding Dog

Grade: A

I have known about Tyson, the Skateboarding Dog, for a long time now.  I cannot believe I found an animal that tops him.  If I could have any dog, it would be this one, at least one very similar.  He is freaking skating around.  And if you don’t think that’s impressive, he also skated a float in the rose parade.

I think the commentary sums up the awesomeness of this dog better than I could.  Suck it, Tony Hawk.

3. HALO THE POOL PLAYING DOG

GRADE: A+

This is how you do, Son!  Take video of that dog, edit the hell out of it, throw in some slow-mo, star wipe, add a phat beat, and you’ve got yourself a video worthy of an A+.  Oh, I almost forgot, THIS DOG FUCKING PLAYS POOL!  I usually don’t swear in here, but this fucking dog IS playing pool, AND he’s making shots I couldn’t even make.  Yeah, he’s not using a stuck, but I’m not going to doubt that teaching Halo to use a stick is next of his owner’s list of ways to make this dog an even BETTER best friend.  Also on that list is teaching him to hold casual conversation about what they want to do today, how to always put bro’s before ho’s, and also helping him make friends with every bartender in town.  Comped drinks?!  HALO!  You’re the man, dog!

2.  Real bears playing Hockey

GRADE: S

Can you say jkdfsjkgdsoperwfsjfkldsj?  Yeah, this is insane.  Bears are massive killing machines that can run, jump, and swim faster than humans, and are stronger than humans.  So, hey…I have an idea.  I’m not doing anything next weekend; why don’t we get together about 10 of those guys, put metal blades on their feet, strap sticks to their hands, dress them up some, and teach some bears how we play hockey in Russia!

I wish I was there to see this, but honestly, this will do.  In fact, had I seen this in person my head might have exploded.  I don’t even know where to start…who has this kind of time?  Why would anyone do this?  Are there other teams?  Who would agree to ref this game?  Are there penalty boxes?  If there are, who the hell has the nuts to put them in that box?  Who the hell would have guessed bears could skate or shoot hockey pucks?

Still, this is the second most awesome thing I’ve ever seen.

1. monkey on a goat on a cup on a tightrope

GRADE: S+

So, why did this win?  It’s not even a sport?  Yeah, well, it should be.  It should be an Olympic event.  Can you train your money to steer your goat on a tightrope onto a cup while said money executes flawless handstands and other gymnastic feats on the goat’s horns like a freaking Pummel horse for our amusement?  Then let’s get it on!  Because, frankly, there aren’t enough of these videos out there.  This is the only monkey on a goat on a cup on a tightrope video on youtube, and that’s a damn shame.

This is actually my favorite video on youtube.  Nothing comes close to how cool this video is.  First you think, no way that goat is going to turn around.  Then you think, no way is that goat going to get on that cup.  Then it spins and the monkey does a handstand, and you’re left with your brains coming out your nose because what you just saw WAS EPIC BEYOND ALL VIDEOS.

If you want to see other videos I like, my youtube username is “WordsAreLike”.

Thanks!

editorial: Backing into Parking Spaces

There are a couple of things that really get me pissed off…ok, maybe there’s more than a couple.  Today, I’d like to share one with you.  People who back into parking spaces.

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I know it’s like .2% easier to drive forward out of a parking space than to back out of one, but it’s at least 20% harder to back into a space (data supplied by my brain and figures I just made up) than to just do it right.  And usually, when someone does this they make everyone around them have to stop and wait  It’s never EVER worth it.
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This is especially annoying in a crowded parking lot.  As a matter of fact, what really inspired this editorial was an experience I had today in an Albertsons parking lot.  I was letting a car drive by so I could walk to my car, when it stops right in front of me only to back up into his space.  Then, I get in my car and start exiting the parking lot when some other idiot swerves in front of me, comes to a complete stop, and then tries to back into his space.  Since he needed 2 tries, it took a while.
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I don't care how cool your car is or how much you love to show off. If you backed into a space, you were probably in someone's way when you did it, and you're an asshole.

How much time does this save?  Negative 5 seconds as far as I can tell.  And I’ve never had that big of an issue backing out of a space when compared to forwarding out of a space.  This is for two reasons: First, there will always be the same cars and people in your way no matter which way you’re facing, and second I’m not retarded.

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What makes this whole thing suck even more is that it’s mostly men who do this. I’m a big proponent of the whole “women make bad drivers” movement, simply because 90% of all the people who piss me off on the road are women, but I have to hand it to the ladies, they never do this.  Maybe they just think they can’t do it, or maybe they just don’t care, either way, they’re making the right choice.
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Oh, another thing!  Stop backing into slanted spaces!  First of all, it’s illegal.  Second of all, IT MAKES THINGS WAY HARDER!  I swear, people are stupid.  I understand driving through to the space in front of you if they’re both empty and NOT SLANTED, but seriously, are you a moron?
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So, too all you idiots out there who suck, stop backing into spaces.  Thanks.
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Signed,
Mankind

Last Minute Gift Guide

So it’s almost Christmas and you forgot to get someone their gift.  You can go out and try to find something tonight, but you know the malls are going to be freakishly packed, it’s going to be hard to find what you want, and everyone is going to be in a really shitty mood to say the least. so why subject yourself to picking through ransacked shelves and bins when you can find all you need online, and for a lot cheaper?
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MUSIC
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Ok, let’s start with music.  Everyone knows you can find awesome cheap music on Amazon.com used.  But with so much to choose from, it’s easy to get lost.  So, allow me to pick out some music that is sure to please everyone on your list this season.
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First of all, why not give the gift of CAKE?  I just saw this band live for the first time and it was amazing.  I’ve seen KISS, I’ve seen AC/DC, I’ve seen They Might Be Giants 10 times, but Cake is hands down the most entertaining and fun band I’ve ever seen.  This translates over their albums very well.
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I own 3 Cake CD’s and each is gold from start to finish.  Most their albums are only about $4 online.  I recommend “Prolonging the Magic” which features such hits as “Never There” and “Sheep Go To Heaven (Goats Go To Hell)”
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And also “Fashion Nugget” which features they’re biggest single “The Distance” and a great cover of Tina Turner’s “I Will Survive.”
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Why does Cake make a great gift?  Most people will remember them from one song or another and will be pleasantly surprized with how good their music is as a whole.  Also, like I said, they’re the best live band I’ve seen in a very long time, maybe ever, and your friends will thank you for introducing them to such a great act.
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For lovers of a different kind of music, let’s talk Hellacopters.  The Swedish rock band recently called it quits, but with hits like “(Gotta Get Some Action) Now!” and “Carry Me Home,”  the rock revival group is still at the forefront of the “Bands You Should Know About” category.  You can find Hellacopter CD’s used online anywhere from less than a dollar to fifteen dollars for the rarer stuff (since they’re from overseas).
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I suggest the album “By the Grace of God” which includes Carry Me Home and this title track:
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Damn, I love that song.  Good video, too.
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Why do the Hellacopters make a great gift? Say you have a friend who is really into classic rock or just feels like music today isn’t what it used to be.  Maybe your dad or your uncle or something like that.  A lot of people who feel this way have no idea that there are new band out today that sound like this.  Hit them with a Hellacopters CD and suddenly the radio might be on a lot more than the turntable.
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Maybe you’re not in the rock market.  Daft Punk as exploded in popularity over the last five years and has gone from being rave background noise to the premiere mainstream, cream of the crop electronic dance duo.  They’ve appeared in DJ hero, just completed a second wildly successful world tour, and are writing all the music in the upcoming Tron movie.  If you know someone who should know about Daft Punk, used CD’s are only about $2 online.
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But, if you know someone who loves Daft Punk and can’t seem to find other music in the same vein, here are some suggestions:
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Ratatat:
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You can find used CD’s as low as a buck!  I suggest their self titled album.
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Kasabian:
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You can find CD’s as low as about two dollars.  I suggest they’re album, “Empire.”  That song from the video isn’t on that album, but that’s a pretty sweet video, right?
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You can also go way back and hit someone with some nostalgia with a Fatboy Slim album:
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I suggest “You’ve Come a Long Way Baby.”  It’s got some big hits on it and it’s only a penny used!  The greatest hits album is $10 used, but if you can afford it, got for it.
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Movies
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Since, everyone has different tastes I put together a small list of the movies you can find used on Amazon for dirt cheap.  Check this out:
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The Godfather: $5 and change
The Shawshank Redemption: $4.99 new!  only about $3 used
Ghostbusters 1&2: about $4
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly: $2
Bubble Boy: $2
Robocop: $2
The Karate Kid: $2
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It’s hard to find the right movie for someone.  Chances are if they really love a movie, they own it already.  Also, you never know if someone isn’t going to like a particular movie because of an actor or director or something silly like that.  So here are some sleeper films that are sure to please even the most picky:
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Godzilla- Final Wars: $4 and change
The Incredible Mr. Limpet: $2.22
Con Air: $3.50
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington: $5 and change
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Video Games
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Aside from the steal I reviewed a couple of weeks ago (The Getaway for only pennies!), there are SO MANY great games for cheap that I’m going to write a separate review entirely for them that I will post on Tuesday.
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Check back then!
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(I found this while looking up Mr. Smith Goes To Washington.  http://www.amazon.com/Pumpkinhead-Ashes-Blood-Double-Feature/dp/B0007KOISS/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1261256029&sr=1-12)  I’ll file this under W, for “WTF?”

Joepinion

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